What Am I Thinking?

I am going to have another baby.
What am I nuts, am I asking for punishment and stress?
Yes, I am.
I am very excited though.
I must admit though, I don't know how I am going to handle it.

I have little patience for my son, HE throws a lot of fits as it is.
I hope I can handle it.

The one thing I didn't expect with this pregnancy was the extreme exhaustion.
I AM TIRED all the time.
It is hard to determined whether I am tired because I am sick, (chronic sinus infections and issues) or if it is because I am pregnant. OKAY we contribute it to both!

I want to clean my house but it is coming down around my often times, the laundry gets washed and remains on the floor.

The dinner gets cooked and the dishes remain in the sink, until my dear hubby does them. I am lucky he does that you know.
The kids get watched but some days PBS and KBYU do most of the watching, Yes, I admitted that ugly truth.
There are days since I have been pregnant were I am bursting with energy and get so much accomplished.
I think there has been like 3 okay maybe 4.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Should I? Maybe.

I grew up with a mother who was sick for my entire life, I think I have few memories of her well.
So when I am out of commission I feel pressure to do what I need to do NO MATTER WHAT.

I feel ashamed when I don't cook a good dinner, I feel guilty when I don't play with my kids, I feel guilty when I lack the energy to do all the things that need to be done.

I know I need to be kinder to myself.
I am growing a little baby in my body.
I am giving life to another Child of God.

I have to take care of myself, my body and my baby.
I can give only what I can.

I am just pray that I can do what it takes to have a happy family around me.
In my fatigue it is very hard to be patient with myself and every one around me.
When my son screams, I want to scream. I don't do it most of the time.
Thank goodness I do hug and kiss him though. And he is still young enough to forgive me.

I had a terrible time with my 2nd pregnancy with fatigue and my temper often got the best of me then.
We got through it. I can get through this. I have grown a lot since then, I have let myself relax more, I have given my self permission to do so.
So even on my worst days my mental and emotional breakdowns are fewer. My sweet husband is happy for that I am sure.

When I was pregnant with both of my little girls I was very very crazy. So my husband assumed that this baby was a boy, that speaks volumes to me about my ability to handle that way I have been feeling and the control I have managed to have.

We are having a girl, and my emotions have been MOSTLY in check. Even through my tired and worn body.

As I write this I feel immensely proud of myself. Though I am struggling, I have been pretty happy, and not completely intolerable in my emotions, HOW DID MY HUBBY TOLERATE ME when I was pregnant with my girls? I believe I was not that bad with my son. (I am entitled to believe that). My husband backs me up on that though.
Well, on that happy note I will check out. Night all!

September Morn

Yesterday was the last day of September.
I had a load of dishes in the sink and my two oldest kids where in school.
I had one child at home. My two year old son.
As I started the dishes I put on some music to keep me and my son happy.
Yes, I am just going to say it--- Neil Diamond songs. Hey, don't knock it!
It is music I grew up with and it makes me feel at home somehow.
Anyway, I was listening to the music and happily (I am telling you it was the music)
doing dishes. I was moving my hips to "Coming to America" while my son was waving a towel around to the beat.

The next song was a slow ballad, I stopped doing my dishes and picked up my son and started dancing with him. He laid his head right into my shoulder as we rocked.
I was filled with love for my "Handsome Little Man".

Yes, the two year old boy who runs me ragged day after day climbing, running, jumping and destroying every thing insight. Yes, the same little boy who had before the music started was screaming and yelling and throwing food on the ground. Yes, this same little man who knows all the right buttons to push to get a rise out of one of his older sisters and makes her so mad.
Yes, this same little two year old who only really is calm when he is sleeping in his bed, and the light of the moon just makes him "look" like a real angel.

I have two older children, so I have learned to take those moments as they come. Though I don't always do so.
To hold this little person in my arms and have him feel completely 100% comfort and safety in my, busy, sometimes inadequate hands, what a feeling, no words can describe!

We danced until the song was over and I kissed him on the cheek and he wiggled out of my arms off onto his next adventure. Which happened to be dumping an unemptied cup of milk from breakfast, all over the dinning room floor. Thanks son!
I had to laugh, good thing I had just had "A MOMENT" with him. That may have saved his life that day, or mine. I was still upset, but not so much.

I am grateful to have had the time yesterday to dance on the that"September Morn", with a man who really means the world to me, and just think I get to be his mom!

The Stay at Home Dad

My Hubby started a new job so he had a three week vacation to take that was paid out to him.
So He was at home for 3 weeks.
Wonderful and annoying all at once.
I was able to come and go as I please.
I was able to go to the store alone.
Or with just one child.
I was able to sleep in.
Only 'cause he can't go back to sleep in the morning when out toddler wakes.
I'd totally be up to the task, but he couldn't sleep anyway so he let me.
It was fantastic. It was so nice to have him home.
My kids loved having him here as did I.

The down side. I got nothing done.
I couldn't make plans, as he is very spontaneous and always on the go...
I found I'd tell my kids, go ask dad to do it, then eventually I'd have to do it myself anyway.
Husbands are a little oblivious to what it actually means to manage a home.
Bills, cleaning, kids, entertaining, cooking....etc.
There is always a lot to do.
Vacation for him. Was not a vacation to me.

Finally, in the last week of vacation I had to beg for help.
I needed his vacation to end so my life could begin.

Crazy I know.
I wonder what would happen if we were to swap places.
If I worked and he didn't.
What would happen to our home.
I love a clean orderly house.
Not that it is always as such, but my home and my family is my full time job.
I like to see it run the way it should be to keep the peace.

If I was working I really think I'd be more frustrated with trying to keep my home my sanctuary, then anything else.
I wonder how much I'd still have to do if I was the one at work.
NOW, I am sure that my hubby would step up to the task. It was his vacation after all.
Not mine, for sure.

If we both worked all of those things would be there, plus work.
I don't know how anyone does it.
I'd just be ornery and mad all of the time.
I suppose we'd get something figured out.
But I am just grateful my husband doesn't want that for us.

Him being home was great for my kids though, they saw dad everyday all day.
They loved it. Now my son's favorite person is HIS DADDY, I am barely in the room when his dad is home. I am okay with that. I am still there when my hubby isn't, I am still his MOMMY.

I am relieved to say that now I am back on task. Hubby has started work and I have commenced my schedule once again.
It is so relaxing and wonderful to be in charge of my home again.
I am my own boss, my own employee and my own child care provider.
I DO miss the freedom of coming and going as I please but I love the freedom a house of order and schedules bring.

I could do with the sleeping in everyday though.
That is my favorite thing to do, but that has come to an end. OH WELL!
That is when I wish we had a live in assistant.
Not someone to do my job just some one to pass the tasks around. So I wouldn't have to say IN A MINUTE so often. One set of hands, three kids and a house to run is a lot for one person.

An assistant would be so wonderful. ONE can dream right?

Video: The Invisible Woman

I recieved this video from my Dad.
I have read this story...I was inspired again.
But lets face it to keep us going we need it again and again.
Watch this 6 minute video. I know--we think we don't have 6 minutes.
Well, consider this the time you need to take for yourself.
You will be glad that you did.

TO BE A MOMMY

My daughter tells me when she grows up she wants to be mommy!
I am sure she knows what this means...to be a mommy.
She sees me working on the home trying to make it look the best it can.
Spending time with her day in and day out.

She knows what a MOMMY is.
Someone who is there.
I am glad to be here.

Though, I do get sick of laundry, dishes and all the mundane chores.
Let's face it though, if I was working those things would still be there.
So my time may be limited to only that on the weekends and at night.

As I am at home I have all the time I want to do it whenever, and take a few minutes to be with my little girl, and teach her what it means to be a MOMMY!
I do not condemn others for working outside of the home. Don't misunderstand me.
I am just grateful for the choice that I have made to stay home and be a MOMMY to my daughter. I am so lucky!

The challenge of not working

Okay, the toughest thing to me is relying on one income. I feel so helpless when it comes to the situation at hand.
My husband's job has been for some time on it's way out as the company has merged with another and declared bankruptcy. The end of this job is only a matter of time. No one has said anything to us about his job, but his company may cease to exist soon enough. This has made me sick to my stomach. I can only imagine how he must feel.
The hardest part about this whole thing to me is that I must give up my control of the situation and completely rely on my DH, to find work. I am making it my part time job to look for another for him. The thought of an eminent layoff is sickening to me.
So I am left to pray trust and rely on someone else.

That is one of the hardest parts of being an at home mom.

I CANNOT FAIL!

Just said goodbye to the Hubby again for another business trip. This has been a tough year.
He has gone on trips every other week for a 5-7 days each trip.
I am a single mother 50% of the time.
It makes me feel so lonely. Wouldn't I love some days to go to an office and pass my kids off to someone else. Engage in truly adult conversations. Have something more interesting to do then wipe bums, scrub toilets, dishes and do laundry.
At least when my husband is gone.
Everyone needs to feel valued, of some worth, challenged and praised. I know in all reality praise doesn't even come from co-workers and bosses. But in my line of work at home it doesn't always come from here either. So where do we find it?

The other day I was feeling very sorry for myself. Down on myself, tired, rundown and frustrated.
I was mad that I had to do dishes alone again, laundry again, I was wishing that some fairy or elf or something magical would just do it for me. I was angry, feeling like a slave driven by the need to just get it done, I needed clean dishes, that was the only reason I was even doing it.
I work so hard all the time. I was SICK OF IT.
I was even becoming resentful of the fact that I get left to do it all the time while my husband goes off on yet another trip or assignment for work. He doesn't see the day to day things that happen here. I was also simply bored of it.
I have yet to see a fairy do my dishes...don't think I haven't wished for one either. (Yes, my kids could, but they are not old enough yet!- Someday)
I was trying to get my house in order but the minute I would start cleaning my kitchen a need would arise and I would have to leave my duties and take care of my kids.
I was feeling undervalued and really just DONE with it all.
"This is all that I am good for, this is all I CAN do. I have a college degree and I have never used it. Why did I get one when all I had become was a frumpy, tired, bored old mom."
Wow, I was down.

I tried to get myself together I chocked my tears back, and swallowed my emotions down hard into my stomach, my husband was coming home at any minute I didn't want him to see me this way. I wanted to greet him with a smile on my face.

When he came in and he had had a rough day too, I didn't tell him about my thoughts until we had eaten and he'd had a chance talk to me about his hard day. I managed to laugh and smile and help him feel better. When I finally unloaded he let me cry and told me he loved me, thanked me for all that I do. Then the day ended. I dreaded the next.

I'd love to say that there is a happy ending to this and give some clever antidote to my story.
The truth is the feeling just past, I slept it off.
I woke up the next day and felt a little better, I was less discouraged and more willing to get it done. Nothing spectacular happened to make me happier. I prayed that night as usual, I cried that night then I slept.

I share this because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not alone in this, although it feels that way alot.

It is okay to feel this way, it is a hard thing to be here 100% day in and day out, to always have a smile, to always feel good and joyful about what you do. It is hard to constantly give of yourself and then keep your own tank full eventually you run out of fuel. So, I knew I had come to this point. I needed to refuel. I needed rest, I hadn't been taking care of myself, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So I need to do that. I need to realize that I can not serve my family fully until I love myself, care for myself, and ask for help from family, friends and God.
This Job, to be a mother at home and give my children all I have requires more strength and more humilty and more prayers. I can't do it alone. When I try I fall, I burn and I crash.
I am not alone, I am not a slave. I am of worth to the greatest of all, MY FAMILY, and MY GOD.
Others will try to pull me down, but I am A MOTHER I cannot fail.