ADULTS only PLEASE!

I am listening to the kids run around, happy, screaming, chasing one another. It has been a good day, for accomplishment. I have to toot my horn here, I don't have days like this that often.

Son the dishes are unloaded and the dirty ones put away. I have one basket of laundry to fold and put away. Yes, one!  I am headed up in a minute to sweep and MOP my floors. I have burst of energy. I think it comes with the nice sunshine streaming through my windows. Yesterday, was wet and gloomy. Funny how a mood changes with the weather.

So why am I on here? To WHINE? Sorry, I need to  for a bit.

My kids are being good, and they are not fighting. They are having fun today and they too are in good moods.

 BUT I am in serious need of an adult. I can't say I feel this way everyday but there are days where I envy the change of pace, the adult interaction that working moms ( and hubby's) have M-F. 5 days a week.
I have interaction here and there. BUT I can only play duck duck goose, or hear kids talk about the how they have blue eyes and hair just like you, or sing the alphabet, pretending to be a cat, or some wild animal or how they're favorite color is pink, "what's yours Mom" so many times before I go a little batty.( I'd like to have a conversation some days that may actually challenge my intellect, Which I feel some days gets less and less used.) Sounds easy I know. But that is the easy stuff.

Then there is the screaming, the fighting, the fit, the spills- The constant whine for  food, after a mid-morning snack.
There is the balance between house work, bills, shopping and other necessary daily things. All with kids.
I don't pass kids off to a nanny, or a baby sitter. I deal with the spills, the meals, the clean up, the nagging to clean up. The owies, accompanied with a VERY dramatic cry, (To which I have ALMOST come immune to.) ON MY OWN FROM 8-5 each day!

Sometimes, (sometimes) things are quiet times and I have a moment to think. Then I start to feel alone.
LONELY, strange feeling among chaos and kids. How does one feel that way? I do.

I don't have music on to distract me. My kids CURRENTLY don't need me for a brief moment and I feel lonely.

I come to realize that one encounter a week with an adult doesn't work for me. I come to realize that I seldom get to "talk" to my husband, when he is home, until the kids are in bed, and by then we are too tired and worn out to care. Until my head actually hits the pillow and I need to talk, talk, talk, talk....crazy because minutes before that happens I am about to fall over from exhaustion. (I hope I am not the only one that does that.) As my husband passes out to the sultry sound of my voice! HA!

This is why I think I started this diary in the first place. I am not ungrateful to be home with my kids, but
NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU, IT IS LONELY WORK.
You are the boss, the employer, the employee, the CEO, and the staff.
You account to no one (kids are not no ones, I am just making a point).

Your conversation consists of nods and "very goods and that's rights " - As your child points out their belly- button for the umpteenth time. I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE! I GO NUMB!

Maybe it is because I have 3 kids and each discovery they make isn't as grand as the first child's was.

I suppose I sound terrible today. But LETS GET REAL! There are days like this for many Stay at Home moms.

I don't think that working is as glamorous as all that. Just the break in the monotony that is my chosen profession (SAHM) would be refreshing. Not to wipe snot, or butts, or spills for one week,  all day long, would be nice.

If you really want me to paint butterflies and bows when it comes to being a stay home mom, today is not the day. Maybe tomorrow! Wait for tomorrow!

In my heart I know I am doing what is right for my kids, despite the LONELY days that I stumble across.
If I made a different choice I am sure I'd long for this one in it's place. Today shall pass, then the weeks, then the months and then the years. "One day I won't be scrubbing peanut butter off the floor or hand prints off the glass. I'll be glad I had the time to watch it all, and I'll wish it back, if even for just a day" -that is what I like to say to myself on days like today. Makes me feel less guilty on days like today, when I feel this way instead. TELL ME I AM NOT CRAZY!

What Am I Thinking?

I am going to have another baby.
What am I nuts, am I asking for punishment and stress?
Yes, I am.
I am very excited though.
I must admit though, I don't know how I am going to handle it.

I have little patience for my son, HE throws a lot of fits as it is.
I hope I can handle it.

The one thing I didn't expect with this pregnancy was the extreme exhaustion.
I AM TIRED all the time.
It is hard to determined whether I am tired because I am sick, (chronic sinus infections and issues) or if it is because I am pregnant. OKAY we contribute it to both!

I want to clean my house but it is coming down around my often times, the laundry gets washed and remains on the floor.

The dinner gets cooked and the dishes remain in the sink, until my dear hubby does them. I am lucky he does that you know.
The kids get watched but some days PBS and KBYU do most of the watching, Yes, I admitted that ugly truth.
There are days since I have been pregnant were I am bursting with energy and get so much accomplished.
I think there has been like 3 okay maybe 4.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Should I? Maybe.

I grew up with a mother who was sick for my entire life, I think I have few memories of her well.
So when I am out of commission I feel pressure to do what I need to do NO MATTER WHAT.

I feel ashamed when I don't cook a good dinner, I feel guilty when I don't play with my kids, I feel guilty when I lack the energy to do all the things that need to be done.

I know I need to be kinder to myself.
I am growing a little baby in my body.
I am giving life to another Child of God.

I have to take care of myself, my body and my baby.
I can give only what I can.

I am just pray that I can do what it takes to have a happy family around me.
In my fatigue it is very hard to be patient with myself and every one around me.
When my son screams, I want to scream. I don't do it most of the time.
Thank goodness I do hug and kiss him though. And he is still young enough to forgive me.

I had a terrible time with my 2nd pregnancy with fatigue and my temper often got the best of me then.
We got through it. I can get through this. I have grown a lot since then, I have let myself relax more, I have given my self permission to do so.
So even on my worst days my mental and emotional breakdowns are fewer. My sweet husband is happy for that I am sure.

When I was pregnant with both of my little girls I was very very crazy. So my husband assumed that this baby was a boy, that speaks volumes to me about my ability to handle that way I have been feeling and the control I have managed to have.

We are having a girl, and my emotions have been MOSTLY in check. Even through my tired and worn body.

As I write this I feel immensely proud of myself. Though I am struggling, I have been pretty happy, and not completely intolerable in my emotions, HOW DID MY HUBBY TOLERATE ME when I was pregnant with my girls? I believe I was not that bad with my son. (I am entitled to believe that). My husband backs me up on that though.
Well, on that happy note I will check out. Night all!