I CANNOT FAIL!

Just said goodbye to the Hubby again for another business trip. This has been a tough year.
He has gone on trips every other week for a 5-7 days each trip.
I am a single mother 50% of the time.
It makes me feel so lonely. Wouldn't I love some days to go to an office and pass my kids off to someone else. Engage in truly adult conversations. Have something more interesting to do then wipe bums, scrub toilets, dishes and do laundry.
At least when my husband is gone.
Everyone needs to feel valued, of some worth, challenged and praised. I know in all reality praise doesn't even come from co-workers and bosses. But in my line of work at home it doesn't always come from here either. So where do we find it?

The other day I was feeling very sorry for myself. Down on myself, tired, rundown and frustrated.
I was mad that I had to do dishes alone again, laundry again, I was wishing that some fairy or elf or something magical would just do it for me. I was angry, feeling like a slave driven by the need to just get it done, I needed clean dishes, that was the only reason I was even doing it.
I work so hard all the time. I was SICK OF IT.
I was even becoming resentful of the fact that I get left to do it all the time while my husband goes off on yet another trip or assignment for work. He doesn't see the day to day things that happen here. I was also simply bored of it.
I have yet to see a fairy do my dishes...don't think I haven't wished for one either. (Yes, my kids could, but they are not old enough yet!- Someday)
I was trying to get my house in order but the minute I would start cleaning my kitchen a need would arise and I would have to leave my duties and take care of my kids.
I was feeling undervalued and really just DONE with it all.
"This is all that I am good for, this is all I CAN do. I have a college degree and I have never used it. Why did I get one when all I had become was a frumpy, tired, bored old mom."
Wow, I was down.

I tried to get myself together I chocked my tears back, and swallowed my emotions down hard into my stomach, my husband was coming home at any minute I didn't want him to see me this way. I wanted to greet him with a smile on my face.

When he came in and he had had a rough day too, I didn't tell him about my thoughts until we had eaten and he'd had a chance talk to me about his hard day. I managed to laugh and smile and help him feel better. When I finally unloaded he let me cry and told me he loved me, thanked me for all that I do. Then the day ended. I dreaded the next.

I'd love to say that there is a happy ending to this and give some clever antidote to my story.
The truth is the feeling just past, I slept it off.
I woke up the next day and felt a little better, I was less discouraged and more willing to get it done. Nothing spectacular happened to make me happier. I prayed that night as usual, I cried that night then I slept.

I share this because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not alone in this, although it feels that way alot.

It is okay to feel this way, it is a hard thing to be here 100% day in and day out, to always have a smile, to always feel good and joyful about what you do. It is hard to constantly give of yourself and then keep your own tank full eventually you run out of fuel. So, I knew I had come to this point. I needed to refuel. I needed rest, I hadn't been taking care of myself, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So I need to do that. I need to realize that I can not serve my family fully until I love myself, care for myself, and ask for help from family, friends and God.
This Job, to be a mother at home and give my children all I have requires more strength and more humilty and more prayers. I can't do it alone. When I try I fall, I burn and I crash.
I am not alone, I am not a slave. I am of worth to the greatest of all, MY FAMILY, and MY GOD.
Others will try to pull me down, but I am A MOTHER I cannot fail.